Back to School

I want to start by wishing everyone a happy semester ahead! Going back to school can be stressful, but let us take the time to realize just how fleeting and fun this time truly is.

Sure, homework sucks. Tests suck. Studying sucks.
But what is better than seeing your friends everyday?
What is better than delving into a topic of your interest?
What is better than succeeding at something you love?

You do not always excel at school (most of the time I am just barely getting by myself!) But it is the adventure that is the true success in your life. Regardless of the grade you receive at the end of the class, simply learning and thriving means you have succeeded.
Do not let every C or D control your life. 
Do not let every all-nighter and difficult test kill your spirit.
The academia of school is not all that matters; the experience is just as important. Remember as you are taking your SATs, writing an essay, or signing up for your college classes, that this is your life! It is happening at this very moment, good or bad. If you need to, put down your pencil. Take a look around. This is your life. Enjoy it!

Sign here,

Living Sucide.

       I hate to constantly bring up my past and speak about the dark moments that have occurred in my life but I feel as if those are the moments that really define my future and who I am today. For the past couple of years, I have been battling with eating disorders, school, my social relationships, and most importantly, myself.
       I have tried everything to get better from counseling, hobbies, therapy to advice columns and more but  nothing has sufficed. Basically, I am at the point in my life where I have given up internally,  yet I am still here on this earth. I call it a living suicide. That moment in your life where you exist but you are not living. Physically, you may be there in form but mentally,you're dead.
         I am not sure if I will ever really get better because no matter how many times I have cried or I have pleaded for help and for change, I have always found myself in the same position I was in the day before. I have heard of people who have suffered with this  for years and I can't imagine being in the same position I am in now for years to come. My heart has become so heavy and I have become so emotional and this type of pain has taken away such joyful moments in my life and life, in general, for me.
          I am sorry if this post was a little more depressing than usual and I am not really sure where I was going with this. I just wanted to be able to just write out my feelings because I believe that  it is good to reflect on your past sometimes especially when your past is still affecting your present and future. So through it all, I hope to only become stronger and one day, I hope to conquer this battle occurring in my life and I hope to finally be able to go back to truly living.

To all those who are fighting and may feel alone, I only hope that you, too, continue to fight because although the battle may be long and exhausting, there is an end an it will eventually be okay because if it is not okay, it is not over. I am here with you.

Sign here,

Travel

Tomorrow I leave for vacation in Europe.

 I love traveling.
The smells, the food, the cultures, the people, the sights, the packing, the airports. Everything is different, but so unique that it has its own charm and luxury. For that one week you are on vacation, so many everyday problems disappear. Traveling is both an escape and an exploration.
I have had the privilege of visiting many countries around the world, but I will never lose my thirst for traveling. So often, I feel that people focus on visiting the major cities and important first-world nations around the world, but there is so much more to Earth than fine architecture and luxurious hotels.
I want to visit Africa- go on a safari in the Serengeti. I want to stay in South America- go hiking in the Andes mountains. I want to travel to India and learn the secrets of the busy, poor villages. Visit Turkey, and see where the Middle East meets Eastern Europe.
However, so much of the world is unsafe for women to travel. All of the world, including places in my home the United States of America, it is completely delusional for a girl to visit unaccompanied by a man. There is the risk of robbery, rape, mugging, cat calling, or even murder.
Feeling unsafe in a new city is not the proper way to explore.
I want to travel, and I do not want to be restricted by the possibility of a man attacking me.

Sign here,

Addiction

A very close and personal friend of mine goes by the name Addiction. You all might know her. She makes appearances on TV shows and movies as a common enemy of all, but the desired partner of one, demented and disillusioned individual; this person is always crazy, somehow. No one takes the time to realize the intensity and chemical foundation of addiction. Addiction is not a choice, much like how race, gender, or sexuality is not a choice. So why are addicts punished so cruelly for something they cannot control?

Let me tell you a story:
I have a sister. Let us call her Britney. In high school, Britney got arrested for the illegal possession of one thing or another. I was the one to answer the phone call at my house. I was the one who handed the box with the policeman's voice coming out of it to my mother. I was riding in the car as we picked her up from 'downtown.' I was there to witness the future downfall of Britney.
No more was the pleasing personality, but an ever changing mix of emotions, ranging from a terrorizing rage to a blank disposition. I was young and did not understand. I did not understand why Britney was no longer in college and why we had not seen her for over a year. I did not understand why she packed her belongings in garbage bags and left, all those years ago.
Another phone call. This time, from a hospital. This time, I did not answer the phone, nor was I there in the hospital as they explained her shaking leg and destroyed veins and black dots on her arm and sunken face and weight loss. But I was there, standing in front of my house, as she came home. Britney came home, bringing with her her new best friend. Thinking back on the scene now, I can almost see next to Britney another figure; a clear form in the shape of all my worst fears, holding my sisters hand, guiding her through one mistake after another.
Addiction has been a part of my life for years, almost as long as I can remember, but perhaps the saddest event my old friend Addiction has caused is the most recent travesty.
Britney had a baby. The baby, let's call him George, was born, but had to spend his first few months in the hospital because he was born addicted to heroin, just like his mother. Once he was healthy and released, it appeared that Britney was turning over a new leaf. She was not, apparently, on drugs, but she did have to deal with a load of court cases. Unfortunately, Britney was sent to jail for past crimes. From jail, she was transferred to rehab. For months, nearly a year, she had been away at these facilities. She is missing the life of her son, the life of her family, the life she could be having, the life she is supposed to be living right now. The date of Britney's release from rehab and back into our home was a week away. In just a week, Britney, George, my mom, me, we would all be together! We bought beds, we set up a new room for George, we bought baby toys and books, we were buying food! Everyone was excited. Perhaps this would be it for Britney- no more hardship, no more disaster. Everything would be okay from here on out.
Another phone call.
Ring, ring. Addiction calls.
Britney has been sent away from rehab and back to jail because she is not clean.
Britney will not be reunited with her son, with her mom, with me.
Ring, ring.

Sign here,

False Hope

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi3bc9lS3rg

   It's hard to watch these types of videos and feel inspired. Because in the moment, you may feel inspired and feel as if the whole world is on your side; you may feel that nothing matters anymore: not your weight, your face, or your imperfections. But, as soon as that last second plays and  the video ends, reality hits. The reality of the situation is that appearance does matter. We are ultimately judged by our looks and backgrounds and no one gives a shit about anything else.
     Occasionally, some influential person in our society, whether he or she is an actor or singer, tries to come out with some inspirational bullshit that is suppose to show that he or she cares and that your feelings really do matter. But ultimately, as soon as that video ends, hope ends. That hope that things may change in your life and that you could feel as beautiful every day as you felt watching that video of a girl standing in the mirror facing her scars with a smile, or that book about the cancer girl who finds romance, or that song that is telling you that you're perfect but it ends and life goes on.

   This is no disrespect to John Legend. I love his work and personally, I believe that his music is the best of our generation. However, I just want to acknowledge the fact that we shouldn't need others' pity to make us feel happy or beautiful. As a society, we depend too much on others and we focus on others' pity rather than  his or her success. Whenever you tune into a singing competition, the video logs of the contestants  always seem to bring up some sad story to make people vote for them and sometimes people are too focused on the cancer survivor's story, that they are blinded from the real talent, or the real winner. Thus, I think it is time that we focus on where people are trying to go rather than where they came from. Why not embrace people's success then their failures? So with that said, I challenge you to watch that video without feeling sympathetic about people's issues but instead, celebrate the variation of imperfections in this world, not just today but everyday.

Sign here,

Regret

Have you ever been sitting down, thinking about some event in the past, and then suddenly you shiver? Sometimes you cringe just thinking about a past mistake?

Maybe, you should have told him how you feel, you should not have kissed her, you lied, you stole, you did something that goes against who you are, or perhaps who you want to be.
Yeah, that's me right now.
I was thinking about one time a boy kissed me, and I kissed him back, in front of a boy I genuinely liked (and like, as he still has a charming hold on me). Regret.
One time I was dared to kiss that boy I like, I excitedly did, but then stopped for fear of his opinion about it. Regret.
And that one time, I should have said yes to that dance proposal back in the eighth grade. Regret upon regret.
Maybe this, maybe that. One time this, one time that.
I understand that this all happened in the past and as time travel does not exist it is impossible to fix these errors in my life. There is no rewind button, nor pause, nor stop. Life is continuously and endlessly playing, yet the past seems just as eager to present itself as the present moment.
It is possible to act differently in the future, and not let history repeat itself, but so often when you are in a crucial moment in the present, the past is absent from your life. So often, you forget what you have done and only think about what you will do now. Sadly, perhaps the next time I kiss this boy (for I hope that there will be a next time!) I will pull back. Again.

And that will just be another regret.

Sign here,

July 10, 2014

Hi,

   Today I woke up and went on a run, and I really ran; I don't know to where I was running, but I kept running, hoping that if I ran enough, all my fat would disappear and I would come out looking like Kendall Jenner and then maybe I could actually be happy. For the past three months of my life, I have been battling with my body, but most importantly, myself.
 I suffer from binge disorder; this disorder has become a part of me, a part that has been slowly destroying me from the inside out. Everyday, I struggle with what to eat and how to feel and how to be myself. When I am out with my friends, I pretend that I am okay, that I would love to have another cookie but they do not know that when I go home, I will probably cry myself to sleep because of that one extra cookie. I will probably break down because of that person who told me that I have gotten "bigger" or that I "eat everything." To them that may be a joke but to me, that is a life sentence. The crazy part is that every girl has struggled with their weight in some way,sot why do we all continue to do or say things that we know will affect others, the same way it has effected us?
   Personally, I have tried so hard to start over again and to be "normal" or be "happy" but I have learned that happiness isn't a noun. Happiness is not something that you can get or have but  instead, it is something that describes you, something that defines you. To be happy you need to feel happy but for me? I feel that every second lived should be a blessing to the people around me because I fight every second to stay alive, to stay interested about my life....I fight every day to say "Today, I woke up."

    As girls, there is so much pressure on us now and days to be the prettiest, strongest, and smartest girl. That sometimes we may get so caught up in this superficial world we live in that we may not understand the privilege of being able to live another day because for some girls, they have already given up. So, take some time today to appreciate the fact that you were able to wake up today.

Sign here,
      

     

Welcome.

Today is the first day of Anonymous, a blog run by two anonymous girls creating a platform for all women to share their thoughts and feelings. We want this blog to a declaration for all girls around the world and for this to create a strong, positive impact on the lives of our generation.
So, join in the delcaration

July 10th, 2014,
I declare my rights to being a girl. I declare my right to say what I want, be who I am, and love who I want. I declare that, as a girl, I will not shame other girls for their choices, but stand united with my fellow women as we prove that we are worth so much more than a sexual innuendo in a rap song. I declare that I will not be destroyed by the words that surround me, but fight for myself. I declare myself strong, brave, independent, loving, caring, wild, romantic, fierce. I declare that I am not the one and perfect form of a girl that society wants and demands. I declare that I am unique and cannot be defined. I declare that the women of the world stand together.

I am Anonymous.

Sign here,