Addiction

A very close and personal friend of mine goes by the name Addiction. You all might know her. She makes appearances on TV shows and movies as a common enemy of all, but the desired partner of one, demented and disillusioned individual; this person is always crazy, somehow. No one takes the time to realize the intensity and chemical foundation of addiction. Addiction is not a choice, much like how race, gender, or sexuality is not a choice. So why are addicts punished so cruelly for something they cannot control?

Let me tell you a story:
I have a sister. Let us call her Britney. In high school, Britney got arrested for the illegal possession of one thing or another. I was the one to answer the phone call at my house. I was the one who handed the box with the policeman's voice coming out of it to my mother. I was riding in the car as we picked her up from 'downtown.' I was there to witness the future downfall of Britney.
No more was the pleasing personality, but an ever changing mix of emotions, ranging from a terrorizing rage to a blank disposition. I was young and did not understand. I did not understand why Britney was no longer in college and why we had not seen her for over a year. I did not understand why she packed her belongings in garbage bags and left, all those years ago.
Another phone call. This time, from a hospital. This time, I did not answer the phone, nor was I there in the hospital as they explained her shaking leg and destroyed veins and black dots on her arm and sunken face and weight loss. But I was there, standing in front of my house, as she came home. Britney came home, bringing with her her new best friend. Thinking back on the scene now, I can almost see next to Britney another figure; a clear form in the shape of all my worst fears, holding my sisters hand, guiding her through one mistake after another.
Addiction has been a part of my life for years, almost as long as I can remember, but perhaps the saddest event my old friend Addiction has caused is the most recent travesty.
Britney had a baby. The baby, let's call him George, was born, but had to spend his first few months in the hospital because he was born addicted to heroin, just like his mother. Once he was healthy and released, it appeared that Britney was turning over a new leaf. She was not, apparently, on drugs, but she did have to deal with a load of court cases. Unfortunately, Britney was sent to jail for past crimes. From jail, she was transferred to rehab. For months, nearly a year, she had been away at these facilities. She is missing the life of her son, the life of her family, the life she could be having, the life she is supposed to be living right now. The date of Britney's release from rehab and back into our home was a week away. In just a week, Britney, George, my mom, me, we would all be together! We bought beds, we set up a new room for George, we bought baby toys and books, we were buying food! Everyone was excited. Perhaps this would be it for Britney- no more hardship, no more disaster. Everything would be okay from here on out.
Another phone call.
Ring, ring. Addiction calls.
Britney has been sent away from rehab and back to jail because she is not clean.
Britney will not be reunited with her son, with her mom, with me.
Ring, ring.

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False Hope

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pi3bc9lS3rg

   It's hard to watch these types of videos and feel inspired. Because in the moment, you may feel inspired and feel as if the whole world is on your side; you may feel that nothing matters anymore: not your weight, your face, or your imperfections. But, as soon as that last second plays and  the video ends, reality hits. The reality of the situation is that appearance does matter. We are ultimately judged by our looks and backgrounds and no one gives a shit about anything else.
     Occasionally, some influential person in our society, whether he or she is an actor or singer, tries to come out with some inspirational bullshit that is suppose to show that he or she cares and that your feelings really do matter. But ultimately, as soon as that video ends, hope ends. That hope that things may change in your life and that you could feel as beautiful every day as you felt watching that video of a girl standing in the mirror facing her scars with a smile, or that book about the cancer girl who finds romance, or that song that is telling you that you're perfect but it ends and life goes on.

   This is no disrespect to John Legend. I love his work and personally, I believe that his music is the best of our generation. However, I just want to acknowledge the fact that we shouldn't need others' pity to make us feel happy or beautiful. As a society, we depend too much on others and we focus on others' pity rather than  his or her success. Whenever you tune into a singing competition, the video logs of the contestants  always seem to bring up some sad story to make people vote for them and sometimes people are too focused on the cancer survivor's story, that they are blinded from the real talent, or the real winner. Thus, I think it is time that we focus on where people are trying to go rather than where they came from. Why not embrace people's success then their failures? So with that said, I challenge you to watch that video without feeling sympathetic about people's issues but instead, celebrate the variation of imperfections in this world, not just today but everyday.

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Regret

Have you ever been sitting down, thinking about some event in the past, and then suddenly you shiver? Sometimes you cringe just thinking about a past mistake?

Maybe, you should have told him how you feel, you should not have kissed her, you lied, you stole, you did something that goes against who you are, or perhaps who you want to be.
Yeah, that's me right now.
I was thinking about one time a boy kissed me, and I kissed him back, in front of a boy I genuinely liked (and like, as he still has a charming hold on me). Regret.
One time I was dared to kiss that boy I like, I excitedly did, but then stopped for fear of his opinion about it. Regret.
And that one time, I should have said yes to that dance proposal back in the eighth grade. Regret upon regret.
Maybe this, maybe that. One time this, one time that.
I understand that this all happened in the past and as time travel does not exist it is impossible to fix these errors in my life. There is no rewind button, nor pause, nor stop. Life is continuously and endlessly playing, yet the past seems just as eager to present itself as the present moment.
It is possible to act differently in the future, and not let history repeat itself, but so often when you are in a crucial moment in the present, the past is absent from your life. So often, you forget what you have done and only think about what you will do now. Sadly, perhaps the next time I kiss this boy (for I hope that there will be a next time!) I will pull back. Again.

And that will just be another regret.

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July 10, 2014

Hi,

   Today I woke up and went on a run, and I really ran; I don't know to where I was running, but I kept running, hoping that if I ran enough, all my fat would disappear and I would come out looking like Kendall Jenner and then maybe I could actually be happy. For the past three months of my life, I have been battling with my body, but most importantly, myself.
 I suffer from binge disorder; this disorder has become a part of me, a part that has been slowly destroying me from the inside out. Everyday, I struggle with what to eat and how to feel and how to be myself. When I am out with my friends, I pretend that I am okay, that I would love to have another cookie but they do not know that when I go home, I will probably cry myself to sleep because of that one extra cookie. I will probably break down because of that person who told me that I have gotten "bigger" or that I "eat everything." To them that may be a joke but to me, that is a life sentence. The crazy part is that every girl has struggled with their weight in some way,sot why do we all continue to do or say things that we know will affect others, the same way it has effected us?
   Personally, I have tried so hard to start over again and to be "normal" or be "happy" but I have learned that happiness isn't a noun. Happiness is not something that you can get or have but  instead, it is something that describes you, something that defines you. To be happy you need to feel happy but for me? I feel that every second lived should be a blessing to the people around me because I fight every second to stay alive, to stay interested about my life....I fight every day to say "Today, I woke up."

    As girls, there is so much pressure on us now and days to be the prettiest, strongest, and smartest girl. That sometimes we may get so caught up in this superficial world we live in that we may not understand the privilege of being able to live another day because for some girls, they have already given up. So, take some time today to appreciate the fact that you were able to wake up today.

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Welcome.

Today is the first day of Anonymous, a blog run by two anonymous girls creating a platform for all women to share their thoughts and feelings. We want this blog to a declaration for all girls around the world and for this to create a strong, positive impact on the lives of our generation.
So, join in the delcaration

July 10th, 2014,
I declare my rights to being a girl. I declare my right to say what I want, be who I am, and love who I want. I declare that, as a girl, I will not shame other girls for their choices, but stand united with my fellow women as we prove that we are worth so much more than a sexual innuendo in a rap song. I declare that I will not be destroyed by the words that surround me, but fight for myself. I declare myself strong, brave, independent, loving, caring, wild, romantic, fierce. I declare that I am not the one and perfect form of a girl that society wants and demands. I declare that I am unique and cannot be defined. I declare that the women of the world stand together.

I am Anonymous.

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